Changing the way I look at healing in order to actually heal
I like to think of myself as a generally happy and open person but this summer my emotions were put to the ultimate test. I’ve been sad, anxious, depressed and hopeless. These are feelings and emotions I no longer thought existed within me. Traumatic events I had worked on and believed I had healed from. But these last few months have made it clear to me that although I have learned a lot so far, I still have a lot of work to do. To be frank, I was pissed about that at first. Disappointed and embarrassed that I call my self a dreamer while I have been living in a nightmare.
How can I call myself a healer if I’m not healed? How can I preach how we can grow if I’m crying myself to sleep? So many questions that led me feeling guilty and ashamed. Why am I even here? Why bother sharing such a dark and bleak moment of my life with the internet? Because It’s real. And when I decided to start this blog I promised you (and myself) to be raw and candid. Though the last few months have been some of the scariest of my life, there are lessons to share. That waiting to share wisdom from a healed and happy place will not allow me to relate to the people this type of post is intended for. That life is happening right now. That I’m a work in progress, and that’s okay.
Social media can make us believe that healing is taking a yoga class, meditating with crystals or having wine and a bubble bath on a Sunday evening. Sure, these things can help us move through the pain, but real healing isn’t that pretty.
It’s crying. A lot. In the shower, as I go to sleep. Without warning. It’s always having sunglasses in case I’m in public.
It’s isolating myself from family and friends but struggling with feeling lonely.
It is not recognizing myself in the mirror. I moved from sadness to anger and felt a rage I never knew existed within me. Discovering the ugly parts of myself has been the most challenging so far.
It’s feeling detached and empty and numb.
And most importantly, it’s not linear.
Although I believe healing looks different for everyone, my hope in sharing this is that you will recognize the moments of growth within yourself.
I’ve surrendered my beliefs about what it means to heal. That it isn’t a beautifully wrapped gift waiting for you. You have to dig for it. Sometimes really deep. That it will pass and the kinder and gentler we are with it, the smoother it will flow. Let’s agree to stop comparing our journey to others. and genuinely understand that struggling is not failing. Accept it without judgement. Take control and let it go.
For me, that has been accepting that I’m more of a work in progress. And that’s okay. I’m allowed to answer the call to help others suffering from anxiety while I too am trying to navigate my way out through this.
As we strip away the expectation of what healing should feel like and take a seat in this disturbed and royally uncomfortable phase, we remember to carry the wisdom that it is temporary. That on the other side of this pain is a feast of strength we can all indulge in.