I’m writing in the hopes that I will release the answer to questions that are taking up too much space in my head. Like many of us, I spent the end of 2019 thinking of all the ways that I was going to make this decade the best ever. So excited to have this fresh start, I was inspired by all the things I was going to accomplish in the next 10 years. 2020 was going to be the year I put together all my experience and passions into a career that gave me freedom and was in alignment with my desire to make a positive difference in peoples’ lives. It was like a rotating energy wheel and since I was out of work, I was able to do a lot of daydreaming which just made that wheel spin faster.
One of the things that kept coming up was the desire to make a YouTube channel. I was spending most of my free time reading books by spiritual leaders, quantum physics, and business development. I wanted to share. I wanted to discuss, dissect, pick apart, and in turn, go deeper. Making a YouTube channel around theses subject seemed like the perfect choice. Making videos has always been a creative outlet for me and I’ve always loved being in front of the camera, mix in my favorite subjects to talk about and it felt like a dream way to spend my days.
Well, I was right. As soon as the idea was no longer something I could ignore, I put together a trailer and told the world about it. I felt so vulnerable, putting myself on display like that. But it felt so awesome at the same time. I was instantly hooked. I made a schedule for scriptwriting, filming, and lived with a photographer and video editor that answered all my silly questions pertaining to light, sound, and editing confusions.
January was the launch. I returned to Rajaj Yoga and was taking meditation classes, completed my level 1 Reiki, I felt right on track.
February was learning that talking in front of a camera, alone, is not as easy as it looks. Struggles with perfectionism kept creeping up and I was refilming the same line dozens of times which obviously made it feel inauthentic. “Maybe this YouTube thing isn’t for me?“
March, without warning through me off my feet. I was faced with some pretty hard truths and important decisions to make in a very short amount of time. The world went into lockdown and I had no choice but to be alone in my apartment. I fought this at first, trying to figure out ways I could go back to Toronto, have a friend move in, anything not to be completely alone. it quickly became clear that this is where I was supposed to be so I surrendered and let go. This was a very powerful month for me. I learned about my insecurities, triggers, and massive sized self-doubt energy that is holding me back.
Present-day, April the 27th:
The last two months have gifted me with so much time to reflect and learn how to be more at peace with the stillness of the world. Now at the other side of all the chaos and pain, I feel lighter. I received a slip from the universe ” Take it slow, Serena.” I enrolled in an 8-month intensive life coaching course that focuses on the principles of neuroscience, psychology, mindfulness, and yoga. By developing self-awareness through these principles, the website states that I will be able to transfer the knowledge into practical tools to help guide others on a personal development journey. You can see why I so eagerly enrolled. I’m currently going into week four and I’m absolutely LOVING it. Last week, we were told that as part of the program, there is an Independent Study Project that has to be worked on throughout the course. The purpose is to explore a topic in great detail and prepare a 15-minute presentation at the end of the course. It didn’t take long to decide that this was an opportunity to explore this imposter syndrome, the study of the shadow, and serve as the push I needed to give the YouTube channel life again.
So here we are. What happened to my YouTube channel? I really have not stopped. Behind the scenes, I’m here every day, still gathering the knowledge and tools to heal so I can help you too. I have not gone anywhere. I am only enjoying this journey and responding to what calls me. What feels valuable and right now I’m exploring what that is for me. If I am going to be a life coach at the end of this, what is my message? Who is my client? What is my approach and how can my story help others? This my next challenge and a journey I invite you all to take with me. I want to share the good, the progress, the victories big or small, but I also want to share the struggles, the things I still need to work through that I may not even know about yet and especially the moments where I hide, where the shadow and self-doubt attempt to take over. This is a raw and open look at my process to a goal still so enormous feeling but I need to accomplish. I will share and document the journey here as sharing in the video begins to take momentum.
Love and light,